I've had this post running around in my head for months. Honestly, I have to say it was October when I first started putting it together in my head. By the time I finally figured out what I wanted to put in this place it was January, and I didn't want it to look like just another resolution post. Because it's not about resolutions. It's about finally being me.
I'm tired...
I'm tired of feeling the way that I do. The way that people in my past have made me feel. I'm tired of not knowing how to move on past those hurts and hard feelings. I'm tired of feeling like I can't, when I know that I can. I'm tired of being unhappy with who I am, the way I look, the way I feel. I'm tired, don't have the drive to do and be what I want to be. My head spins and my body aches. I'm tired of being tired.
So, now I'm going to do something about it.
Oh, sure some of these things I've been doing for quite some time now but need to adjust them to better suit my goals, and some are ones I've only casually considered.
One of the first steps was for me to put an all out honest effort into going back to school. Years ago I tried to go back to Community College, I aced my one and only class. But I didn't have the support at home to allow me to continue, I was told that it was foolish and a waste of my time to go back to school after such a long time. Now, when I look back I realize those were the words of a high school dropout that didn't want me to realize that there was more to life than working a dead end job and drinking. Time went on and once again I tried to go back to school, but once more someone else's agenda got in my way. Every time I sat down for a lecture, or to study I was interrupted with demands to do what he needed done, when he wanted done. There was no regard for what I wanted, or needed at that time. Which led to poor grades, so I dropped out. Obviously school was not to be for me. I was stupid, and would never succeed at anything. Maybe I was part of the problem, I didn't stand up for myself, I didn't make it a priority to succeed. It was at this point in my life I decided that school wasn't an option for me. I wasn't ever going to be able to do it and do it well. Thankfully, I met someone who challenged me to be better to find who I really was and somewhere this idea came from, that I could actually do it. I could go back to school, I could succeed. But I was terrified of failing again, so I didn't just jump into it. I made a commitment to myself, that I would wait a year and if I was still driven to study and go back so school then I would do it. I found the school, I knew what I wanted to study, I knew where I wanted to be. I'd set my sights high. First I would get a certificate in Paralegal Studies and I'd be able to get a good job in order to go back to law school. Yes, law school...who cares if I'm in my 30s with 4 kids I am going to be a lawyer. Now, I'm not going to deny that things have changed since then. A year went by and I went to enroll in the certificate program as planned, only to find that I qualified for financial aid if I enrolled in the Associated program instead. Who was I to turn that down!
I look at it this way, the further I can get with grants the better off I will be in the long run. So, yes my plan did change again this last summer when I found out I was able to transfer from the Associates program to the Bachelors program and continue to get financial aid. I'll actually have my Associates this spring..YAY me. Did I mention that I've managed to carry a 3.9 GPA. It was a 4.0 for a long time and one class killed me. But I must say I'm incredibly proud of myself, and that is what keeps me going. I couldn't do it along though, my children and my fiance are amazing, they cheer me on, they make sure I get my class work done, and make sure that I attend my lectures when I need to. For that I couldn't be more thankful. They are the reason for my success!
This is just one of the many changes I've made. And possibly the most important because it was the first, and I've maintained it successfully. If I could do this then I can do anything!
